I’ve been loving this song lately. I am not totally sure what that means.
It’s been a rough semester. I’ve taken on too much. A lot is going on around me. I feel like I’m already a more cynical, self-deprecating person by nature, but it seems to have really blossomed in the midst of this semester. I am panicked about maintaining a 4.0. I want every opportunity I can get, but that drive, combined with work and life leave me burnt out. Me being unable to find some balance and equilibrium in my life is not new, but if I hope to succeed in my friendships, marriage and a more demanding academic environment I need to get my act together. Not to mention I’d like to step out a little more into some amateur photography.
Life is always like this. I cannot change life but I can change me. I keep rolling this around in my head. I don’t want to be the negative and cynical person that I feel like I’ve become. I cannot simply change myself, thought I know a change is desperately needed. I’m trying to Let the Light In.
Today I remember that there are people everywhere in more difficult circumstances than I. AM has been talking a lot about gaining empathy and a more sympathetic disposition. I realize that I need to first offer myself the appropriate empathy, recognize that I am deeply loved and deeply flawed and that’s not going to change, and then embark upon the world without thinking that it requires and equal and opposite reaction from me, but instead that a peaceful and gentle spirit can and will diffuse a lot of the harshness that I encounter on a daily basis. Anger, frustration and negativity spread more easily than love and gentility but it doesn’t make love and gentility any less needed.
I am not really sure how to do this or where to start. I have thrown up hail mary prayers, begged God, read books, gone to counseling… There must be a way, and I will try to find it. Hope. There is always hope and I am holding on to it for dear life!
Sending all the love in the world to Austin, Texas today. Desperately wish I had a teleportation machine to pick me up after class Friday and drop me back off in Boston Tuesday morning so that I could spend the weekend on the greenbelt. Instead, I am just sending love every way I can.